How do I feel about Diabetes?

I know I have a positive attitude when it comes to my diabetes. But, just for a moment, I’m going to explore the negative feelings that might surround it. Why am I putting myself through this? Well, I met with my friends with diabetes recently, and we talked about all of this stuff – you know “feelings”. So I am actually dwelling on it a little and feel that in order to expel it I have to write it.

The first negative thought in my diabetes journey was just after diagnoses. I wondered if I had given myself diabetes, did I do something that brought it on or was it karma for something horrible I did in my past life that I didn’t know about yet?

Other feelings that creep in are;

The Burden.

Ultimately, this disease is about “self-care”, which means the responsibility of keeping well & healthy is my burden. Yeah, I could share it with the people who are most important to me but why would I burden them? I feel I should be able to carry it all by myself.

The Guilt.

Deciding to have children and what if they have diabetes too. I would blame myself and find it difficult to live with.

The Doldrums.

The feeling I have when, no matter what I try, the blood glucose numbers are too high and I can’t get them down. I start to feel awful, physically, and then, start to feel awful emotionally, and the will to keep trying disappears, making it harder to break the cycle.

The Fear of the future.

This one was a surprise to me because I think that when it does surface I quickly push it back. This feeling is all about what I have to look forward to; a life without sight or without limbs? What will happen to me when I get old and can’t take care of myself and have to depend on others? Do I put myself in a nursing home where the staff is not properly trained in diabetes care, or do I ask one of my children to become my full time carer?

So now it’s out there and I’m going to shake it off. I’m going to focus on taking it one day at a time; one blood glucose reading at a time. I’m going to find the stories of inspiration like that of Gladys Lester Dull aged 90 years and living with Type 1 diabetes for 83 years (from 50 Secrets of the Longest Living People with Diabetes by Sheri Colberg & Steven Edelman). I’m going to focus on the fact that there is always more to learn about diabetes, new medical advances every year to bring me closer to a cure and most of all, there are more people to meet with diabetes that radiate positivity.

It can be done!

I get so mad at my Doctor

I recently had a conversation with my consultant endocrinologist’s secretary that left me so annoyed, I had to wait until I calmed down to write about it.

On Thursday, 27 May 2010, I received a phone call from my endocrinologist’s office. It went something very close to this;

Secretary; “Gráinne, I’m calling with your fasting bloods results.”
Me: “my what? The bloods weren’t fasting- do you mean my HbA1c?”
Secretary: Your Hb mm… yes. The result is 7.0 mmols and the Dr. says you have to do better.
Me: What!

The conversation continued for a couple more minutes and I remained polite and civil because I knew the secretary was just doing what she was asked to do - blindly.

Firstly, I was so upset that I really didn’t know how best to react. How do you react to being told that “you have to do better”, especially when you think you’re doing everything you possibly can to begin with. Being told this made me feel like having diabetes is all my fault, and that I’m clearly not managing it very well so again that must be all my fault too. It also made me want to head straight for that chocolate tin or the pint of ice cream.

Secondly, if I asked the secretary how I should do better, I doubt he/she would have advice and instructions about my diabetes management should come directly from my endocrinologist and not from someone who isn't qualified to answer follow up questions. Afterall, that's what I'm paying for (yes this is the private health system in Ireland I'm talking about).

And thirdly, how am I supposed to do better with a one sentence instruction? This doctor gives no specific instruction other than to have lots of bananas (???). Dr. X doesn’t talk about carb counting, sliding scales, insulin to carb ratios, testing or anything useful. I need a conversation on how I can do better that offers me options and realistic goals.

I think it’s time that I said to my endocrinologist that he/she should do better – I am paying €100 per visit and maybe it’s time it was earned. Maybe, it’s time that she trained her staff appropriately too. And while I’m at it, maybe it’s time she acquired some better time management skills instead of taking patient phone calls during consultations.

I should give my hubby a break and direct my rantings and ravings at the person responsible for them.

Update - I did leave this endocrinologist shortly afterwards for one who is so much better and when the secretary called one last time with my lab results with the same message I did reply “yes, it’s not good enough”. She then asked if I wanted to schedule my next appointment, I said “No, thanks!” and hung up :-) It felt FANTASTIC!!!

Why Diabetes? Why me?

When I was diagnosed with diabetes, it was 1993 and I was a 20 years old student; living the typical student life. That all changed with diabetes. For a very long time I only knew what I absolutely needed to know about diabetes to survive. I fought it but not in a good way. My attitude was that diabetes was not going to get in my way! My friends and family would ask about it and how I was getting on, I replied “fine”. I had no idea of how I was doing, health wise, my medical team didn’t talk my language, I didn’t asked questions, and I didn’t want to be there.

What changed? I met my now husband who had decided I was worth having around for a long time, and convinced me I was worth it.

I started internet searching for information on diabetes to give to him and I started learning about diabetes for myself. Things like how exercise affects my blood sugars, about how insulin works once I inject and how food affects that process and lots, lots more. I even met another person who had type 1 diabetes who I couldn't push away because she was the wife of my husband’s friend.

Through this friendship, I realised how important it was for me to have people my own age around me who knew what having diabetes felt like.

I’ve come a long way since then. I started a support group for people with type 1 diabetes in my home town in 2007 and my diabetes family has grown quite a bit. People call me with their stories and I listen, hoping that in some way I'm helping them. I wished that I had had someone I could’ve talk to in the beginning but knowledge about diabetes was poor back then.

Now, I want to inspire people to go out in search of the knowledge they need to live a great life with diabetes. I want to encourage people to start reading the numerous books on the subject and to find other people with diabetes on the internet or in their area. More and more supports groups are forming around the country and if you don’t have one in your town yet then find us on the internet. We’re here!