Throwing in the towel is just not an option with diabetes.

I've had type 1 diabetes for 20 years and I can confidently say that most of that time I have been in a positive frame of mind about my diabetes and the future. And I think this went a long way towards me managing my diabetes well.

However, for about 18 months now I've been struggling with my diabetes control and the struggle dragged me to a place I don't remember ever being before. That place where I had had enough of diabetes. I wanted a cure RIGHT NOW! I really, really wished I didn't have diabetes.

I became completely frustrated with my diabetes and so exhausted from all of the decisions around daily management. I would go through that long mental check-list when trying to figure out how much insulin to give, how much and what type of carb I was about to eat, was I going to be more or less active in the coming 2-4 hours and even though I had considered everything I thought there was to consider, there
was always something I would forget to account for. It felt like the if's, but's and maybe's were just too many.

I became fixated on my blood sugar readings, to the point that I would close my eyes as my meter counted down to reveal my blood sugar reading and hope that the number that came up would at least be in the single digits, which of course it hardly ever was. 

Now that I'm in a place where the light can shine in, I'm beginning to think that it was really the other health related issues that had accumulated over the 18 months that brought me to the bleak place. We had two tragic losses in our family that had a huge effect on me and some of the every day aches and pains that come and go, started to stay around permanently. Maybe my diabetes was a convenient victimizer, something more visible than emotional stress. 

Thank goodness for my wonderfully, supportive husband and my gorgeous children, who without their knowing it kept me going.

I suppose that even though I felt physically beaten, mentally, I didn't want to give up. I started reaching out for help. I read my copy of Dr. William Polansky's "Diabetes Burnout" to give me ideas on where to ask for help. I finally went to my GP to ask for help with the other health related issues I was experiencing such as neck and shoulder pain that was getting worse. And I started going to counselling for the emotional stress that probably started this whole spiral of deflation. 

It seems that once I did those things my diabetes just bounced back into decent control. I'm still amazed at how quickly it complied and I suppose I will never truly know why it became so out of control. I still have a ways to go to get back to full health but my diabetes management isn't standing in the way anymore.